Tag Archives: Unconditional love

We Are One

 

We are one. When you, your child, your parent, or someone you love is in need of a blood transfusion, an organ transplant, or a helping hand; I promise you that the color of my skin, the religion I was born into or the people I love, will not matter. We are one.

I read an article on Kveller, about a pregnant woman who was menaced by anti-semites; all of whom shared something in common: they are all school teachers.

This is the world we are living in today, in 2017. September is back-to-school month. When I think about all the children going back to school around the country knowing there are open anti-semites out there as teachers, who had so much hate for Jews they felt justified in menacing a pregnant woman and openly admitting their hate, I know that the time is now that we must have a plan of action for standing up to this.

I have a plan.

Ever since I began to notice an increased resurgence in anti-semitism, I have asked myself, “What can I or others effectively do to stop this?”

There may come a time when someone you know is being threatened. What will you do in the face of that fear and threat?

In the Kveller article, the woman who was menaced says, “Now is not the time for neutrality, or blindness, or turning the other cheek. It’s time to stand up on our bar stools—whatever platform we have—and make a scene.”

And yet, she was so struck with fear, that she wasn’t able to speak, even though she wanted to. She was pregnant and vulnerable. I don’t blame her. If I were in her shoes, I likely would have remained silent too because it was probably the safest thing she could do in that moment.

What we know about the Holocaust was that most of the Jews did not fight. Some hid but few were able to fight. How could they have fought? How do we fight now? What could the pregnant woman have said?

We read, the words of Elie Wiesel,  “The lesson of the Holocaust is always believe the threats of your enemies, over the promises of your friends.” But we can change that by making a conscious choice to show up for others on a daily basis, in whatever capacity or to whichever degree is possible. (And let me say, as someone who is disabled and lives with debilitating pain, if I can make time and find ways to show up for others, anyone can.)

When we chant, “Never Again!” We have to do so with a plan of action that will prevent that. Do you have a plan?

I have a plan.

Courage is not something that magically appears when you need it most. Courage is a muscle. You have to use it every day in order to have the confidence that it will be there for you when you need it most.

One of the best ways to use courage is through the daily use of compassion.

You will be more likely to find the courage you need for the big battles if you practice compassion for the day-to-day battles. 

What happens to some people when they try and access compassion is an internal voice that says, “Does that person even deserve my compassion?”

Judgmental thoughts abound: “If they didn’t want to struggle, they shouldn’t have had so many children.” “That homeless drug addict brought his troubles on himself, why should I give him my loose change, he will only spend it on drugs or booze.” “Unemployed and disabled people are just lazy and mooching off the government.” And it goes on and on. The stories people make up in order to justify their beliefs.

If a person has yet to learn how to be loving, gentle, and compassionate with themselves, it is not likely they will be able to be loving, gentle, and compassionate toward others who they may judge as unworthy of anyone’s compassion.

Our compassion extends, only as far, as our perception of oneness. The less you see yourself in another, the easier it becomes to discount that person’s needs.

To have compassion for racists seems almost sacrilegious, but if you hate the haters, you are judging them as inherently different from you, just as they are judging Jews, Muslims, people of color, or anyone from the LGBTQ community, as inherently different from them.

We are not “inherently different,” we merely make different choices to different degrees. Everyone makes judgments and categorizes people as less or more superior than others. What separates an average person’s judgments from a Nazi or Klan member is the degree to which their judgments drive them.

My judgment is that Nazis and the KKK are vile, deplorable, and reprehensible. Their judgments are more harsh, violent, and come with a greater consequence than those of the average person. And yet, they are still human beings made of flesh and bone and hating them isn’t going to stop them; but resistance, solidarity, and education might.

All people have the capacity for the same spectrum of emotions that range from love to hate. Logic and compassion are what keep most people’s judgments in a range that’s nonviolent. If our goal is to end violence, we must employ logic, resistance, and compassion against those who are violent.

Compassion, especially for perceived enemies, takes a great deal of courage. Compassion, like forgiveness, doesn’t mean we invite the people (enemies) who cause hurt, pain, and harm, into our homes and hearts to hurt us more. Compassion is not a statement of approval for poor behavior.

Compassion is the act of caring about the suffering of others.

I guarantee  you that anyone who hates, is suffering; and if we don’t care, how do we expect to change anything?

“The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

– Abraham Lincoln

Cited in Lisa Ulshafer,
Journey with an Angel

To have compassion for anyone, is to take heed to understand how they came to be and where they are now in an effort to prevent them from continuing to hurt themselves or others. Compassion is both selfless and selfish, as it’s a tool for self-preservation.

We rise to action most often from a place of compassion when we see another being in our presence who is suffering. If we choose not to see the suffering of others, who will choose to see us when we suffer? 

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

-Martin Niemöller

If we have been using our compassion muscle to help those in need around us, on a regular basis, then when the time comes that a complete stranger or someone we know and love, is being threatened, we will have built up the resources and tools for knowing how to step forward with courage, remain safe, and still help another person to survive. 

We will not stand idly by or turn a blind eye. We will come to see and know our oneness. 

Do you have a plan if you are in a public place and you see an injustice occur? How will you defend your friend, neighbor or self against an anti-semantic, religious, racist or attack against someone in the LGBTQ community if you are with your family and children, feeling particularly vulnerable, are disabled, or are alone?

These are hard questions, I know. I have spent many a sleepless night, praying and asking for guidance about what we, as individuals, can do to fight the rising threat of hate, and this is what came to me: We have to have something short and concise that is a factual truth which we can memorize and repeat and stand in solidarity to speak:

“We are one. When you, your child, your parent, or someone you love is in need of a blood transfusion, an organ transplant or a helping hand; I promise you that the color of my skin, the religion I was born into or the people I love, will not matter. We are one.”

Resistance against ignorance requires education, enlightenment, and truth. We can look to the past, to the civil rights movement, to other movements where people were divided, in how to address hate and to extract what worked and find new ways for what might work better.

Martin Luther King, Jr. believed in passive resistance, “weapons of love.”

Malcom X was known for the slogan, “by any means necessary.”

When I think about MLK and Malcom X and how to enlighten the minds of racists today, I think about parenting styles through the years.

We have evolved as a society from the days when most parents used spanking as a form of discipline – corporal punishment. Research has repeatedly shown that hitting a child, teaches a child to hit. This is why as intelligent and creative beings we are still solving conflict through war and violence. There are better ways.

Then we moved on to the days of  putting a child’s nose in the corner (an act of public shaming) or making them sit in a “time-out chair” which is a great practice for prison: go in the same way you come out: unchanged. Except now you might feel resentful, angry, bitter, untrusting, and vengeful for being punished for either not having known any better, or having yet to learn impulse control to do better with that which you do know. Neither of these disciplines teaches and corrects the behavior.

The main thing punishment teaches, is how to not get caught. 

Whereas enlightment provides tools and the support and compassion to learn a new way of being.

Today, many parents discipline through empathy and education; through compassionate reasoning (natural consequence meets the broken record technique).

Please keep in mind, your children will likely be your caregivers when you are elderly. Do you want them to treat you with kindness, dignity, and patience? Or with frustration, irritation, and control? 

The simplicity of life is the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Your child is going to remember how you treated her and how you treated yourself, and how you treated those around you, and these will be the guide posts for how she treats you, herself, and others when she is an adult. 

I know that different children have different needs but all children respond to love. 

To become a racist, or a sociopath, or any other type of menace to society,  it seems to me that some part of the emotional understanding in the brain, has yet to be activated. 

Perhaps racists have an arrested emotional development; in which case, they would need to be spoken to with the same confident conviction we use to speak to children, when using reasoning as a form of discipline.

We do that by repeating the same message of love and truth over and over again without engaging with an emotional reaction.

Parents are, at times, called to be broken records. It is in calmly, yet firmly, repeating a message to a child with love in our hearts and voices, such as, “I will not allow you to hurt yourself or others” that they learn to stop hurting themselves and others. 

Parents of particularly violent children have to restrain their child, not with violence, but by holding them in an embrace, sometimes sitting cross legged behind their child, with their legs over the child’s legs and holding them in a tight, restraining (back to chest) hug with love, while repeating over and over again, “I will not allow you to hurt yourself or others.” Until the child calms down and through behavioral modification repetition and modeling of healthier ways of conflict resolution, learns a new way of engaging with the world around him.

Is this not the simple act of resistance without violence? 

Children do not learn to stop hitting by having a “caregiver’s” hand swatting their rearend while saying through clenched teeth, “Hitting. Is. Wrong! Don’t. Do. It. Again! Or there will be more where this came from!”

Neither, I imagine, do violent people learn to stop being violent, by being met with violence. 

If you came from a large family or rowdy neighborhood, you have likely had to break up a fight or two. The person who comes in swinging to break up a fight, only instigates the violence. The person who comes in restraining, sets an example that those around them act on, and helps to end the fighting.

It takes someone calm to remain calm and if we allow ourselves to be consumed with anger it fuels the desire within us to be violent ourselves. 

How do we douse the flames of anger to find our stillness in the storm? Through practice.

The peaceful warrior is not complacent. We practice daily through compassion for the self and others. Through resourcing via meditation, mindfulness, inspiration, support, hydration, nutrition, rest, creative expression, and act, upon act, upon act of loving kindness.

Here is my plan and my answer to those who ask, “What can I do?”

1. Take care of your needs. Practice staying calm in the midst of chaos. Manage your vulnerabilities.

2. Have a plan. Know what you will say in the face of an attack. Use the broken record technique to repeat your own version (or borrow mine), of the We Are One speech

3. Make compassion a mantra. Use restraint in the midst of violence, whenever possible.

4. Resist the mob mentality which can sweep you away. Stop feeding your anger. It only fuels you in the way that alcohol gives someone liquid courage: short term and with impaired judgment. Anger burns off and leaves one burnt-out. Anger helps prevent apathy but can also be counter productive to compassion; which you need for yourself and others if you are going to continue to survive and help others to do the same. Stay grounded by standing your ground. Know the truth, and repeat it often. Be an angel if you can, or at least not an “anger devil.”

5. If you are already comfortable with your image on the internet, you have your picture on Facebook and/or other social media sites, please record and post a video of yourself saying the following message and invite everyone you know to do the same. Share this post. Together, we can create a WE ARE ONE movement that’s similar to the IT GETS BETTER campaign or the ALS ICE BUCKET challenge that will give people a plan, a way to manage their vulnerabilities and something to do that can make a difference.

The message:

“We are one. When you, your child, your parent, or someone you love is in need of a blood transfusion, an organ transplant or a helping hand; I promise you that the color of my skin, the religion I was born into or the people I love, will not matter. We are one.”

The more you hear the message and repeat it the more comfortable you will be with it and the more readily available it will be to you when you need it most. A musician doesn’t practice her playing to reach perfection but rather, she practices to make playing easier when it’s time to perform.

Part of how we prevent ourselves from being victims in society of anything, be it identity theft, harassment, burglary, or physical attack, is by managing our vulnerabilities. Notice I used the word manage versus the word hide. I think our vulnerabilities can be a strength; hiding them might be akin to staying silent.

Managing vulnerabilities is being vulnerable with protection; mindfulness and discretion. We can manage the vulnerabilities we feel by having a plan and knowing what to say in the face of an attack. We say it once, twice, as many times as necessary: We. Are. One.

It’s time to take back the sheets and the streets and resist with the aide of Angels.

When the Westboro Baptist Church, aka the church of hate, protested funerals of victims who were gay, like Matthew Sheppard, volunteers used white sheets in a new way, as angel wings, as they stood together, with arms lifted to protect.

Photo credit 

You can make your own peaceful protest Angel Action Wings here. 

I want to put this message out there to support the woman from the Kveller article and those around her, for all to become so familiar with the simplicity of this message, of this truth, that people have at least a tiny, tangible plan of action for if/when hate erupts in their presence.

My request to you is simple: keep repeating the message, we are one, to yourself and others. This is a way for people all over the world to come together in solidarity. To Have a plan. To be an angel.

Please post your video to your Facebook, twitter #WeAreOneInfinitely, and other social media accounts and send me a copy as well. Thanks.

Sage-living.org

WeAreOneInfinitely@gmail.com

“We are one. When you, your child, your parent, or someone you love is in need of a blood transfusion, an organ transplant or a helping hand; I promise you that the color of my skin, the religion I was born into or the people I love, will not matter. We are one.”

#WeAreOne Videos:

Melody Strong Grace IMG_1959

Www.AndrewEffingHicks.com

 

 

Managing Discomfort

Part of life is managing discomfort; be it mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, or even psychic.

The main way that most people manage discomfort is to kvetch, complain and vent about it. This can ease the sting and is sometimes a helpful part of the process; and yet, there are other ways to manage discomfort as well which my daughter has taught me; more graceful ways.

The first time my daughter was in a group situation where she felt the need to manage discomfort, children were making observational comparisons to one another. It was then that I first introduced her to the topic of ego.

I told her that the ego had a bad rep for the most part, but that the benefit of ego, is that it’s there for our survival, and part of survival is making comparisons and managing discomfort. And by survival I mean everything from the literal survival of life versus death, to survival of peer pressure. Survival of the personality, the spirit, and the core of who we are in the face of society, at times, pressuring us to be someone or something other than who we are.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
e. e. cummings

The question the ego asks most is, “Am I safe?” Everything that follows, that gives ego a bad name, usually comes from poorly devised attempts at safety.

I shared with her that it was the job of the ego to compare, but the job of the spirit to see past all that could be measured. She took this to heart.

We have recently moved to a new city. A city that from a global perspective isn’t that different from the last one we lived in, but from a highly sensitive person’s individual perspective is drastically, almost diametrically opposed to the one from which we came from both socially, and politically. It’s a culture shock to be certain.

My daughter went to a summer program to make new friends. When given the chance to socialize, the children, ages 8-11, played Minecraft on their cell phones instead. My daughter was disappointed.

When I asked her what she did to manage her disappointment, she said,

“I inhaled the feeling of discomfort and embraced it.”

“Wow!” I said with genuine awe, “What a masterful example of managing discomfort.”

My daughter is my inspiration. I take no credit for her “old soul” wisdom.

She likes to read Pema Chödrön. Yes, it’s true, that I introduced her to Pema Chödrön, but so too to Shakespeare, The Bhagavadgītā, parts of the Talmud, The Holy Bible, Dr. Seuss, Rainbow Fish, Tolstoy, Epictetus, the words of Gautama Buddha and a bevy of poets. But it has been Pema Chödrön who she has been drawn to most, as her 10-year-old self.

My daughter supported herself by supporting her feelings. She sat with the uncomfortable feelings like she would sit with an arm around a friend who was sad. Then the feeling dissolved and left. In essence, she loved discomfort away by accepting it, by breathing it in, and breathing it out.

How much easier and more elegant is this approach compared to being in denial, defensive, resistant or in reactive mode? It’s a life time easier.

Why can’t we all just do that whenever we are in discomfort? Can we try? Because it’s a pretty amazing and transformative practice that could end a lot of suffering.

She was able to change her own feelings and perspective through self-compassion and acceptance.

However, this did not change the people or problems around her.

“We can’t change the people around us but we can change the people around us.”

The challenge of being surrounded by children who would rather be on a device than play, still remained. Yet, she found a graceful and loving way to handle that situation as well.

Each morning before camp, we would do a grounding meditation. Sometimes it was as simple as a loving embrace facing each other heart to heart while setting a five minute meditation timer and just focusing on breathing together and really feeling each other’s unconditional love.

Sometimes I would guide her in a meditation in the parking lot of the school where the camp was located before she got out of the car. Neither practice took more than a few minutes. We’d focus on tuning her frequency to her highest self, those characteristics she feels make her who she is: a joyful heart, a conscientious spirit, and a curious mind all wrapped in a soft, playful, sensitive blanket.

I was taught that to have a friend, you have to be a friend. This can be good advice, but I feel it needs a little instruction. I became a friend to others, often by losing parts of myself in the process and I didn’t want to see my daughter sacrifice herself in the same way.

I wanted to encourage her in being more of who she was, to draw out and support anyone in the group who might share those same qualities; instead of encouraging her to be less of herself, just to fit in with the strongest common denominator which was the least like her truest self.

The challenge with group dynamics is remaining who you are, trusting that like-minded peers will come forth with support; and not allowing the mob mentality to mold you or your child into something you or they are not.

I really love who my daughter is and I don’t want her to lose her beautiful nature in the name of not feeling alone. This is part of why we homeschool, to support our child in being her true self. There’s a big difference between being able to blend into any community and having to change your core values to fit into the community you feel situationally forced to due to school, work, religion, etc.

At some point in our lives, we have each likely found ourselves letting pieces of us be chipped away in the name of acceptance by others. In the end, we often find that those who want to change us or need us to change in order to be accepted by them, will never be satisfied. I maintain that there is a more loving way to be in the world and connect with others, but it requires mindfulness and practice.

My daughter remained committed to a daily practice of being present and focused on the tuning of her frequency to the vibration that served her. The mantra and prayer was, “May my frequency honor and protect me so that I may strengthen the frequency of any kindred spirits among me and only attract other children who are vibrating with a joyful heart, a kind soul, and a conscientious spirit.”

I believe that we teach by example. We need not draw to us people who seem inherently different with a desire to change them (i.e. Bullies). We only need be more of ourselves and give others permission to do the same. For truly, if we are one, our core values which are expressions of love, will rise to the surface in each of us; if only we create a safe and inviting place for love to shine.

This is not just a lesson for a child, but for adults as well in work, family, and community dynamics. We can find peaceful and effective ways to manage discomfort through acceptance of what is and mindfulness of what can be.

My daughter is patient. She set an intention to make new friends and was prepared to be flexible and make space for that to happen. For several days, she sat with mindful presence demonstrating an interest and availability to play with the children, should they choose to stop playing Minecraft.

During that time she observed which children went out of their way to be kind to others and which went out of their way to be cruel. Fragments of conversations floated abundantly and gave insight into the moral compass of those around her. She noticed the mannerisms and quirks of teachers and administrators; people watching is in our blood. She radiated kindness to all and remained joyful and willing to make a new friend or friends during the entire process.

Eventually, after a week had passed, she decided that she would bring a book to read while other children played on their phones. Just as she was about to reach for her book, a few children, some new, began to put their phones away and play with her instead. She was thrilled.

She could have applied the “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” concept, or even the “If you can’t beat them, join them” philosophy. Instead, she chose to remain loyal to her integrity and values and her desire to connect with people directly and not via the video game.

We have no beliefs about the video game or video games in general either positive or negative, per say. In fact, Minecraft is very popular in the homeschool community and we have heard wonderful things about it. But that was simply not how she wanted to exchange her energy with others. She said, “I’d rather interact directly with children through playing pretend games and using our imaginations or spend time with myself reading a book. I’m not interested in Minecraft.”

It wasn’t a judgement against others, rather a choice for herself. That’s the irony about people who take things personally; it is personal, about the person making the choice for themselves, not about the one who actually takes it personally.

She did not succumb to lowering her vibration in order to make new friends. She believed in herself and focused on raising her vibration and trusting the process of life, and in the end, she was rewarded for that choice, and that faith. She may not have made lifetime friends in the summer camp environment, but she made seasonal friends.

These children were not like the children from the earthy, hippie community we had come from. They asked questions about what store my daughter planned to buy her costume from, and were inordinately focused on what kind of car their parents drove and the zip code each lived in.

These children played pranks on each other, older kids turned off the bathroom lights on younger kids and told them the bathroom was haunted. Some might argue that this is just an example of kids being kids; and maybe it is. But my daughter is an empath and when she saw how upset it made some of the children she had empathy for their feelings. She took it upon herself to use her height and courage and block the path of the lights when she could and assure the younger children that the bathroom was not haunted and that she would wait with them if they were frightened.

There were only two boys in the class of 30 and the day they were absent, the greater majority of the class began gossiping about them. When girls came to gossip with my daughter she asked them to stop. She said, “How would you feel if people were gossiping about you?” They walked away and my daughter got her first taste of what it feels like to stand up for the right thing but pay the price by standing alone.

At the end of the five week summer program, she walked away not having made any lasting friendships. Her father and I seemed more sad for her than she was for herself. She said, “It’s ok. It would have been too much work to bend myself to their ways or want them to bend themselves to my ways. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit but there will be other people and places and opportunities to make new friends.”

And there were. She met someone she connected with at Chemistry Camp and she’s become friends with the next door neighbor. Eventually, we may even get plugged into the homeschool community in our new town and maybe make more connections there.

For now, she has the friends she’s always had, she just sees them less. And truly, we don’t need a ton of friends, just a few really good ones. I’m proud of her for not falling into desperation and lowering her standards. It gives me hope for her future dating life.

We do not need to lower our vibration in order to find meaningful connections with others, no matter where we are in the world. We merely need to remain present, patient, and trusting that our tribe will find us or others will raise their vibrations to match ours if only we can remain grounded in our frequency, our integrity, and make our vibration strong enough to stay centered in it. We must keep being true to ourselves.

When we allow our inner light to shine and give ourselves permission to be who we are and like what we like, and heed the call of our spirit, and allow others to do the same, we all shine.

When we shine our light, we have the power to strengthen the light of others. The greater the light, the greater the vision and clarity for all concerned and the more effortless it is to manage our discomfort.

 

 

Sexuality-Letters to My Daughter

August 8-14, 2016 (Formally week 27)

My Dear Daughter,

I want you to know that even though your mother and father have been together since 1989, that we did not marry each other for what’s between our legs but rather, for what’s between our ears and what’s within our hearts.

The brain is the greatest sex organ of all. Yes, it’s true that there is such a thing as animal magnetism, physical attraction and chemistry. But I have come across many people who just by gazing at them, gave me tingles … Until they opened their mouth.

If either your father or I had identified as LGBTQ, we would have still married. Never assume that just because someone presents under one label that they do not fit into others as well. Do not limit yourself or others with narrow judgements and one dimensional thinking. Interesting people are multi-dimensional beings.

Søren Kierkegaard said, “To label me is to negate me” and it’s for this reason that I have never felt comfortable attaching myself to a specific label. But labels aren’t used just to define, but to identify. Every being deserves to be recognized and respected and if having a label makes that easier, then so be it. As a woman, I have been labeled many things in my life and some have fit and some have not. Maybe labels are tools others use to relate to each other versus tools we use to relate to ourselves. The label I am most proud of is, Mom!

I want you to know that your father and I love you unconditionally. We support you in choosing to love whomever you love regardless of religion, skin color, socio-economic status or gender identification. I do have a selfish preference that you involve yourself with creative, educated, thoughtful people with a penchant for kindness, but other that, here’s is a list of the five things that are more important to us than labels.

We want the person you choose to be intimate with or love to:

1. Practice safe sex.
2. Respect you and your body.
3. Take care of your heart
4. Have supportive friends and family who will accept you for who you are.
5. Be honest.

Labels are complicated. Love is simple.